Friday, September 05, 2014

Spring joy

Beautiful frosty mornings have made way for brilliant almost warm starts. If it wasn't so lovely to nap with Milla between morning feeds, I'd be disappointed that I was missing out. This morning we're doing her 10am feed under the apricot tree, which has just begun littering the yard with tiny petals. This year I might have more time to make apricot jam when the tree goes crazy in December.

Flowers in vases, hung from tree in Seddon. 
I bought a merino gown and pants for Milla as her debut camping outfit and tested them out on her this morning, to check they fit and were comfy for her, not strange when we put them on tomorrow.

The forecast for the weekend is more brilliance, I dream that it might be just warm enough to dip toes in Howqua River.

In the sun yesterday, I fastened this little creature into the Ergo and walked 6kms to Footscray, testing my endurance and finding no lack. For Milla it was a rude shock when I took her out of the carrier at home and she screamed with certain shock.

I've been following the Wonder Weeks and presently Milla is in a leap where she begins to recognise patterns. I noticed her looking at the bunting and prayer flags as never before, smiling when I moved them for her. It's such a delight to watch her develop before my eyes.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Night smiles

Smiling while she's feeding.

The last few nights we've changed the routine. Charlie and I have gone to bed early and I've got up to feed Milla when she's woken. Before I would stay up between the 6pm and 10pm feeds, heading to bed a couple of hours after Charlie. This way we get to go to bed together.

Milla is so sweet during the night feeds, cheerful when I collect her from the crib, wanting to play when we finish and tonight, smiling as she sucked, the edges of her mouth turning up and her big eyes crinkling. Something I'll not be able to ever capture on film.

Smiling after feeding in the Ballroom.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Two months

We'll be so sad when she stops doing the tiny 'o' yawns.

Lots more chatter from Milla, it's possible to have a conversation with her for some minutes now. Very cute, intense, cheerful, purposeful talking.

She wore a dress for the first time! Looked very sweet! A change from the usual androgynous outfits that have waitresses asking 'how old is he?'. What difference a nice camera makes...
 
Cheeky Russian sailor look.
We're getting nervous and trying to get organised for the long-awaited first night in a tent. The focus thus far has been on how to keep Milla warm, how to keep a bottle warm for a night feed, and general stress about what to do if she howls all night.

We have a two week camping adwenture planned for next month - through NSW and ACT, my first visit to Blue Mountains... Very exciting and scary! Milla and I will fly to Newcastle and meet Charlie in Sooty. We'll stay those first days with dear friends in Newcastle, then begin to wind south. We have AirBnB accommodation in Mount Victoria, aside from that, we plan to camp. Charlie will bring bike and bouldering mat. I'll be taking photos, walking, maybe a run?

Friday, August 29, 2014

Leap of Loveliness

Milla's loveliness has skyrocketed this week. She grins at strangers, giggles at me and rides a tiny invisible bike very fast when left on her back to squirm around. I can hear her chatting from the other end of the house.

Last night I gave her big feeds and put her to bed at 10:30pm without protest. We woke to Charlie's alarm at 5:30am, and Milla was still totally asleep and peaceful in her bed. The longest sleep I've had in maybe... six months?

Harem pants!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Dreaming

I have a recurring dream. Milla is in bed with us. I'd fed her. But where is she? I wake up, searching the bedding and ask Charlie. Did I finish feeding? Where is she?
It's weeks since I fed her in bed, and since Milla has slept overnight outside our room, but my subconscious finds this dream gripping night after night.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Parks

Spring is here. Jasmine smells and warm days.

Walked up and around Newport Lakes yesterday. Maybe only the fifth time I've been there, and not for months. I'm always amazed at how good it is and want to make the most of it. It's an old quarry, where the bluestones our house is made of likely came from.

Newport Lakes walking path. 
Today we visited Werribee Park, toured the sculpture gardens and sat in the sun. Milla slept the whole trip, and had a long luxurious feed upon return home. The afternoon disappeared.

Brilliant day at Werribee Park. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Feeding

It's a mad business.

Breastfeeding. And the stakes are high. Not as simple as wanting Milla to thrive. It's about every aspect of daily life and family relationships and physicality.

Maybe there's nothing wrong. I have blisters and a scab. But not much pain when she feeds. It burns afterwards. So. Is that life? Or is there a problem?

One dear friend suggests not enough supply. Try to relax.

Another, thrush. Get medication and air boobs.

The maternal health nurse says attachment looks fine, treat for thrush anyway.

The chemist says breastfeeding hurts and to take Panadol and suck it up.

I'll breastfeed every four hours, both sides, for 20-30 minutes with minimal discomfort. Then a half serve of formula. And I'll take probiotics and air boobs and rinse with bicarb.

And Milla will continue to be cheerful and eat whatever I put in front of her.

After feeding today. Ha. Cutie. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Best day

Yesterday was The Best Day. Milla was a sweetheart all day long and we were so happy. She napped, fed, smiled and soaked up the view in the sweetest way. And after all was done, she slept the whole night in her crib in the Ballroom, waking just before 5am with a cheerful face. Oh, sweetness.

Yesterday I rode for 30 minutes on the bike at home, with Milla looking and listening on. It felt amazing, the first time I've really exercised and got the buzz for months... Probably since my last run in May. I also played with my camera!

New camera joy. 

Week seven snapshot
Highlight: Riding while Milla looked on happily.
Sleeping: Milla sleeping on her tummy as I anxiously watch on.
Visit: To Tolmie!
Activity: Grunting in response to being kissed!

Monday, August 18, 2014

High Country

A long anticipated trip to the high country with Miss Milla. It was a 24-hour 'trip' which tested us greatly. Perhaps it's the legendary week 6 bout of crying, perhaps it was the flickering light of the fire and candles, but upon arrival at Mum's house at Tolmie, Milla cried for 3 hours. It was a dismal time, as I was pumping for most of this time, it was cold and not at all relaxing.

Afterwards, around 11pm, we all went to sleep and Milla woke at predictable, reasonable times for her next feeds (3am and 7am). In the morning we took a walk and looked at the creek. I was so curious to know what she was seeing, feeling, hearing. Was it the birds? The creek babbling? The tree tops and cool air? It certainly had a restorative feeling. It was great to be on the road together.

I started reading through the Canon EOS 70D manual, no shots yet, hoping this week I'll have some time.

Down by the creek in the morning sun. 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A Day

A day in my life: the life of a newborn, the life of me, trying to breastfeed, the life of us, with Charlie as co-parent. A day of Milla at six weeks old.

Swaddled with her sweet baby face on. 
  • 5:17 - Milla cries out from her bassinet, one last snuggle with Charlie then I get up, go to toilet, drink water and get myself set up to feed 
  • 5:30 - start feeding
  • 5:40 - Charlie gets up and makes me breakfast and coffee
  • 6:00 - finished feed, snuggle on chair 
  • 6:30 - Charlie leaves for work, put Milla on floor and do some housework (washing on, dishes away, bench clear), drink more water. 
  • 6:45 - Milla grizzles, rides a tiny invisible bike on floor, I change her nappy 
  • 7:00 - start writing blog post with Milla in my left arm, trying to keep her out of way of my sore boobs, she falls asleep (and is super cute)
  • 7:25 - try to put her down, asleep, and put on washing, creep around
  • 7:30 - head to bed. Milla starts crying 
  • 7:31 - get up and swaddle, back to computer
  • 7:52 - try going to bed again
  • 8:55 - alarm goes off, yay, one hour sleep! Milla asleep. Hang washing out, pay some bills, eat sandwich, get dressed for exercise, organise car capsule and nappy bag 
  • 9:20 - wake Milla from swaddle to feed before going to exercise class
  • 9:25 - feeding too painful, panic, and heat formula that Charlie prepared this morning
  • 9:50 - finish feeding formula, race to car 
  • 10:05 - arrive exercise class late, Milla grizzly, eventually falls asleep
  • 11:10 - back to car after class
  • 12:30 - home after running errands (dropping blankets to Asylum Seeker Resource Centre) and getting some groceries (buying pinots from Seddon Wine Store). Snack, toilet, start pumping
  • 12:55 - pumping and on computer, Milla in car capsule (guilty mum), asleep and cute
  • 1:10 - Milla awake and grizzly, I pick her up, still trying to pump, not easy!
  • 1:15 - have pumped 100ml, hope it's enough, head outside to feed in sunshine and talk on phone 
  • 1:50 - sitting in sun after feed, do some gardening then ready to pump again, less successful. Milla in bassinet, happy, and I took to singing 'You are my Sunshine', which she liked. Then irate, and I discovered she was wet through, scrubbed mattress, new nappy (first poo since Monday!), rinse on, Milla still grumpy, put her down and found 'You are my Sunshine' duet from the Dylan-Cash sessions, and turned it up. Walked away and cut up vegies for dinner, did dishes, boiled bottles, load of washing on. Crept up hallway to see Milla asleep. 
  • 3:25 - sitting to pump, listening to Dylan-Cash on repeat, sweet potatoes roasting
  • 3:40 - Milla starts to howl. I turn off potatoes, eat a chia pudding
  • 3:50 - Milla still howling, get her into Ergo for (5km round trip) walk to shops to buy formula :( 
  • 4:55 - Home and warming up expressed milk for hungry Milla
  • 5:15 - finished feed, notice leaking and put Milla down and set up to pump, sterilise teats and turn off potatoes
  • 5:25 - Milla grizzling so start to swaddle
  • 5:35 - Charlie home, just as Milla starts screaming, pours a beer for us
  • 5:40 - I make salad, put Dylan & Cash on, Charlie gets Milla and brings her to kitchen, then cooks steaks
  • 6:00 - dinner dished up, sigh
  • 6:15 - pump
  • 6:40 - shower and dressed to head out, friend comes to join us
  • 7:00 - nappy change and into Ergo, head to Substation for art prize
  • 9:00 - home from exhibition, cups of tea with friends
  • 9:30 - Milla still asleep in Ergo with Charlie, woke to feed expressed milk. I watch them as I pump
  • 9:45 - finished feed. Both so tired.
  • 10:00 - pumping, Charlie changes nappy and chats with Milla
  • 10:30 - settle Milla, head to bed
  • 2:15 - alarm goes off, five hours since last feed, I can't hear Milla so snuggle and procrastinate
  • 2:45 - get up and warm formula Charlie prepared before bed, Milla starts to grizzle
  • 3:00 - finish feeding and reswaddle
  • 3:45 - second try at putting Milla down to sleep, start to pump
  • 4:25 - after reading lots of 'day in the life of a newborn' blog posts, I am so bored and sick of pumping, I creep towards bed. Pumped 60 ml, not enough for a feed, but enough to stop boobs hurting. 
  • 4:30 - asleep! Until we woke just before 7am. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

6 Weeks

Rediscovering Tumblr, finding photographic inspiration. Camera should arrive from Hong Kong any moment. Will be going to an exhibition opening tomorrow and the Substation Contemporary Art Prize on Friday, so will be freshly inspired, I expect.

Beautiful quilt made for Milla with fabrics from Maningrida. 

Trying to move to four-hourly feeding, and have taken to pumping and occasional formula while my damaged nipples get a break. Milla is still sleeping very well overnight but has had some 'velcro baby' sessions where she grizzles and howls and just wants to be held. 
  • Highlight: weighing in at 3950 on her 6 week anniversary
  • Learning: the physical challenges of breastfeeding
  • Sleeping: in the Ballroom for the first time - crib finally out of our room (only during day, though, so far)
  • Visit: first house party and visit to a Brunswick bar
  • Activity: pumping, wah. 

Saturday, August 09, 2014

Happiest

Smiling at each other. 

Friday, August 08, 2014

Push Camera

Wish me luck on this next journey. I'd like to think of it as a comeback as it infers I'll be able to access talent and skill that are simply latent, not gone.

Shocked as I was to learn of 'push presents', I was even more surprised (pleased too!) when Charlie gave me one, in the form of cash to buy a digital SLR set up.

I haven't gone too crazy so there's still room in the budget. Maybe I'll take some kind of course if I need some direction.

Somehow I decided on Canon, maybe it seems all those around me with serious DSLRs have EOS cameras. So of course I found a set up that was double the budget. I spent a lot of time reading online reviews, reacquainting myself with the terminology mostly. I feel very much like a beginner.

Then I cut back a little and decided on the Canon EOS 70D. Upon advice, included a nifty fifty (Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II) for portraits as I'm sure Miss Milla will be a prime subject, as well as a walkaround (Tamron 28-75mm f/2.8 XR Di Canon-ef).

Thursday, August 07, 2014

Five weeks

A wonderful day followed by a grizzly day. Perhaps she's hungry. Back to supplementing. And using the morning to pump. Amazing what difference small bits of information can make - pumping in the morning yields the most, it's a fact. So I can stop wasting time and emotional energy pumping in the evening. Great.
Demonstrating the swaddle + Icelandic blanket, a popular combo. 

From my yellow chair, watching iview, researching the camera purchase, listening to Milla's noises, booking MIFF ticket.

Week five snapshot:
  • Highlight: the view of Milla's eyelashes when in the Ergo
  • Learning: the settling power of swaddle
  • Sleeping: Milla sleeps well and we need to wake her to feed
  • Visit: family dinner at Wattle Glen on Sunday, lovely to have the village meet Milla.
  • Activity: trying to sell Milla on the bouncer.
Eyelashes. 

Saturday, August 02, 2014

Four weeks

We're still on a three-hour feeding cycle, where lil miss kindly will skip a nighttime feed, and wake up right on the dot for daytime feeds. Fingers crossed. Nipples and boobs sore, supply consistent. No formula since Wednesday.
Arms up!
One month of her life. We feel we know you quite well. Eyelashes that reach to the eyebrows, fat lips, funny hair. You don't mind loud music or wind on your face. Today you reached out to touch Charlie's face. Lots of smiles.

After bath, glistening with coconut oil. Trying to teach  her about kisses.
I'm in the market for a DSLR, my first! And have been researching when I can this week. It's a long while since I really took pride in my photos and this acquisition will hopefully herald a new era. Currently thinking a Canon 70D, not sure what lens. Taking recommendations.

Friday, August 01, 2014

Alert Baby 1

Milla is gorgeous when she sleeps and especially gorgeous during her alert periods. Her expressions and the way she tracks action and responds to us make us smile. Often it starts when her nappy is off and she has a kick and starts happily gazing around.

Alert Baby 1 on the lookout.
We are slowly learning that after a short period of this gorgeousness, she gets weary and then rapidly overtired, bringing down the house. Time, swaddling, more patience and love that we think we have - these are the answers to overtired Milla.

Yesterday she and I took a long walk to pick up crappy quality photos from Officeworks then on to Yarraville. There was gale force winds, lots of sun, and we walked for 4kms. She held onto the brim of her hat the whole way, and snoozed until the last minutes when big trains blasted their horns.

She's bundled somewhere in there. 
I feel I'm coping well with the sleep I get, catching naps here and there. Charlie less so, and being back at work is a challenge for us. Still feeding roughly every 3 hours (3 - 6 - 9 - 12) and as of this week, no more formula as Milla weighed in at 3.56 when we saw the nurse on Tuesday. She possetted in the clinic as we undressed her, pooed on my hand as I carried her nude to the scales, then weed on the scales as she lay there. So I'm sure she would have weighed more as we entered the clinic!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Three weeks

Leaving it a bit late to report on three weeks. It's now four weeks since my labour started. I've now gone back to exercise, two yoga classes and two rides on the stationary bike. Body feels weak but it is so good to be back. The day I go for a run will be amazing.

Milla went to her first party, an afternoon tea in a Northcote backyard. By the time we got there it was time to feed, which I did in the car, no problem. Milla was quite content to be passed around the party. We've been wondering about what makes Milla/babies overtired as we have determined that is the cause of long crying spells. But after that party we had visitors at home and she had a good night's sleep. Yesterday however was a long quiet day with just the unit of three, and she slept long at home and long as I walked her in Ergo to Williamstown. But the evening had long tragic howls from the tiny one.

Her hair seems to be fading. We asked the nurse about her neck mark and found it's from where the stork left its mark. She hasn't slept on our room overnight for a while and we're bringing ourselves around to setting up her own room. She's been swaddled and stayed swaddled through long night sleeps, much to our surprise as she'd recently rejected all attempts and we gave up. Things do change. She feeds more efficiently it seems, quicker to attach and draws deep.

Arms up! Arms up!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Routine and Excursion

Another Ergo Photo, this time out at the You Yangs. Charlie went for a ride and we walked for about an hour, I tried to point out some wallabies to Milla but she was fast asleep. Same for the bunjil geoglyph, no interest from lil Miss. It was very warm in the sun and there were tiny birds darting all around. I loved it. Amazing how slow my body feels.

Brief moment of consciousness before falling asleep again (Milla, not me). 
Today we enter day three of a routine! Although Milla still has crying spells and mystifying behaviour, the routine helps me (us) feel a bit more sane. The routine includes supplementing each feed with either formula (once or twice a day) or expressed milk, in a response to the weigh-in on Friday. The routine is for feeds every 3 hours but lil Miss seems happy to skip the 3am feed and sleep through to a reasonable wake-up time around the 6am feed.

She's utterly adorable and her face, expressions and gestures are changing. She looks a lil more like a baby now and has a nice repertoire of smiles and curious faces.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Birth story - Part Two

Part two of the story is harder. It's a tale that ends well but is difficult - for me to remember and maybe for others to read. It reminds me why we gave birth in a hospital, and how valuable it was for me to be fit and well.  

I held Milla to my chest, in water that turned red, it was euphoria, relief that the pain was over and sheer excruciating joy.

Somehow I moved from the bath to the bed. The cord was attached, it felt weird between my legs as I carried her. Her little bottom felt so sweet.

Everything in this part of the story requires a lot of Charlie's help to remember.

On the bed I held her, tried to feed, to deliver the placenta. It was hard to find contractions to push with. Midwife Melissa tried to help get Milla to feed. I knew this was important but it was hard to focus on pushing again. Melissa said I'd need to change position, I told Charlie to take his t-shirt off and he held Milla. I stood up and leaned over the bed, facing him, cord between my legs, severed now.

Blankets on the floor collected blood. And lumps. And more blood. I can't remember them putting me on oxytocin drip. I can't remember the placenta coming out. I remember them checking it and it not being complete. Melissa said it was going to get busy. She inserted a catheter, it hurt and made me feel sad. Doctors and nurses appeared. I was going to theatre as I'd lost too much blood (about 1.5 litres at that point) and would continue to if they didn't quickly remove the rest of the placenta. Milla was only minutes old. More pushing on my tummy. Very painful. Someone asked about gold teeth and I had to remove my earrings and ring. I handed them to Charlie. He looked bereft. I was wheeled away, trying to keep my eyes locked on his. For Charlie it was shocking how white I was, and how red the floor was.

Down corridors and into an assessment area where a young guy in scrubs talked me through forms and how injections into my spine would work. I signed forms. I said I was allergic to Maxalon, a question I would be asked again and again. He knew that meant muscle spasms. Melissa was with me, I can't remember what she said or did. I was thinking about Charlie, wishing I was with him, or he was with me.

Into theatre and cheerful nurses and orderlies moved me prone onto the bed in the centre of the room. We chatted about my nail polish colour. I was congratulated on Milla's birth. Lots was going on. They explained I was to make a 'C' shape with my back. I was injected in my back. A surgeon insisted a nurse called someone to ensure they were aware of my condition and what they were planning. The blood bank was called to have two units on standby. The surgeon said he 'just touched' me and I lost another 300ml. I'm not sure when I was told I'd lost 1.8 litres.

I shook. It felt like fits and stressed me out. I was cold and tense. Apparently normal for the spinal block but I hated it and complained over and over. My hands shoulders arms were the worst. Staff held them for me. Everyone was kind.

I got wheeled to recovery. My shakes were so bad the nurse couldn't read my blood pressure from the cuff and was trying everything to get my vitals. We talked about her niece who studies at Melbourne Uni, Vietnamese people who she knew working at RMIT, and how if she had another baby she'd definitely get an epidural. It was very quiet and I wondered how long I'd been away from Charlie for.

A midwife appeared and was given handover from the nurse. I made a joke about getting my bikini body back. Not well received. She pushed my tummy, checking my uterus was contracting into a distinct mass. We went back to the birth suite. It took me a moment to realise it was the same room I'd given birth in. Charlie was holding Milla.

They moved me across onto the bed. Charlie brought Milla over. She was dressed. I asked Charlie if they had decided on a name.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Time of our Lives

Going bush 
Milla and I had our first social outing, to visit in Heidelberg and go for a walk in Banyule Flats. Baby steps towards the great outdoors. She slept while the two Jessies talked about The Time of Our Lives, rock art, breastfeeding, and all things in between. It rained and I pulled the Ergo Baby rain cover over her tiny head.

Yesterday Milla was weighed by the nurse and had lost 64 grams on birth weight, so we need to do even more to fatten her up. It was upsetting as it feels quite exhausting. I'm expressing for top ups, and now we're also topping up with formula once or twice a day. She has no routine though a few times she's had a long sleep through from about 1am to a reasonable get-up time. We're both very tired. From today we're going to attempt a semblance of routine with 3-hourly feeds. We'll see.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Two weeks

A week ago we celebrated Milla's first week, and I celebrated 'my most straightforward night'. Last night was the opposite, with Milla crying for hours and us getting to sleep sometime around 8am. It was Charlie's first day back at work. It's been difficult.

Apparently this is the position I sleep in too. 
Yesterday the Maternal and Child Nurse weighed Milla and found she'd lost 94 grams on birth weight so we are on a fatten-up campaign. It involves expressing milk, which is so boring and a little bit miserable, as well as trying to feed an overtired Milla. She's amazingly alert and wired when overtired, with big shiny eyes and a strong chin.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Walking

First Ergo outing
Each day and night is different. We had two very broken nights; we had nights with 6-8 hours' sleep each; we had long crying spells; and long sleeps. We parked Milla in her buggy bassinet at night and tried to settle her in the kitchen. Yesterday we planned to move the crib out of our room and set up a nursery for real. We walked to Williamstown as a family and did the shopping; she cried the whole way there and half the way back. Today we did a similar walk, using the Ergobaby carrier for the first time. Quiet and calm. Tomorrow we'll try a car ride.

Her eyelashes seem to grow every day; her face us so expressive; she loves her hands and gestures all the time; her eyes are big, shiny and keen.  

Friday, July 11, 2014

Long night

Yesterday Milla slept long during the day, had long breaks between feeds, and come night time cried and cried. And cried and cried. We watched Game of Thrones and she fed for 50 minutes. We rocked her. We changed her nappy. We ran a bath and rubbed in coconut oil. We fed again. At 1:30am we packed her in the stroller and walked as a funny little family down to the waterfront and watched a huge container ship glide past.

She stopped and started and stopped and started. We got back home and tucked her in securely in the stroller bassinet, parked it in the kitchen and went to bed to listen to her cry, knowing we had tried everything. We fell asleep.

This morning we woke, she was gorgeous and comfy where we left her. Charlie made pancakes, I picked some juicy lemons and limes. We resolved to have an activity day with Milla. Our only day with no visits scheduled.

Grandma made cardi and blanket

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

One week


One week new
Milla has been in this big world with us for a week now. I watched the clock last night, remembering how I felt around 10pm when labour was intense and we met Milla. Happy tears, and I think gratitude was a key emotion.

Milk drunk
She's sleeping in the crib attached to our bed, and last night was my most straightforward night with feeding. I had a little utility pack next to my pillow with my essentials (shields, lansinoh, phone, notebook, pen) so I could set myself up when I heard her wake for milk.

Yesterday Midwife Melissa came for her final visit with us. I came back from my 20 minute walk down to the water and back to find Charlie giving Melissa the update. She weighed Milla and we found that she already is above birthweight, a good sign for our feeding. I had been worried as my nipples were damaged early, my milk was delayed due to complications in hospital, and now I had blocked ducts. But we'd kept feeding and the weight gain meant we were doing well.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Birth Story - Milla's arrival

Contractions started. Sometime in the evening, maybe around 9pm, after I talked work on the phone with my boss, before we headed to bed as normal. I took some painkillers at 11pm. It's hazy already but I didn't sleep through. I can remember being in discomfort and wondering why Charlie wasn't waking up. He was being smart, conserving energy. I was calm and cosy in bed. Around 6am his work alarm went off and we started timing the contractions with the app on my phone. They were 10-12 minutes apart and lasting about 50 seconds.

I stayed in bed, Charlie pulled in a chair and sat with me, made me toast, brought coffee, another round of painkillers, and the morning wore on. At 8am Charlie called the hospital, we had in mind that we might need to go later in the day and we should alert then so they could plan for us. We got a midwife on the phone that we didn't know, who was sweet and clear as we hoped. 

We pulled out the TENS machine and Charlie fixed it to my back. I didn't like the electrical feeling at all but kept it on and it proved to be a major ingredient in my pain management. 

The afternoon approached, I was still in bed, no sleep, TENS machine on and in use, and contractions were getting more frequent. By 2pm they were lasting up to 2 minutes and about 5 minutes apart. I had some showers and found it hard to find my contractions while there. 

We spoke to the midwife again, I had a shower and something that looked exactly like a 'mucous plug' appeared. I realised there was no chance I'd be washing my hair before going to hospital.

Back in bed, I became aware of Charlie packing, realised he was getting ready to go. I was vaguely pleased that I didn't have to make a decision about going. It was time. 

At 4:30pm, we got in the car. I felt aware of the stories I'd read of this time being hard, and sitting down felt terrible. I hung onto the grab handle and focused internally. At one point I bit the seatbelt. I closed my eyes and was quiet. Occasionally I looked at traffic and resisted instructing Charlie on how to drive. 

They registered our arrival at 5:02pm at the emergency counter. We waited for 45 minutes before getting called. I stood up the whole time, staying quiet. I felt a bit wet but there was no breaking of waters. It felt absurd to be in this amount of pain and just hanging out in a waiting room.

In the assessment, they said lie on the bed, which was not going to happen, so I got on all fours, the position I'd kept at home. One of the few specific things I can say I used from my pre-natal classes. We stayed in the assessment stall for perhaps my 'transition' time, it was hard.

I got louder. A nurse checked on me and Charlie thought that she was impressed with my 'active labour' position on the bed. It maybe gave the idea that I was far along in my labour, which she confirmed with an examination - 7cm dilated. I was delighted and Charlie was relieved. It meant we had timed it well, and that we weren't going to be sent home. A wheelchair was offered with options for how to use it - seated, kneeling backwards or walking alongside. I thought I could walk, but kneeling was it. Charlie texted our student midwife at 6pm with progress and shortly after we were in birth suite. 

Midwife Melissa was in the darkened birth suite and asked me if I wanted a bath. Charlie answered for me as I couldn't make a decision through the pain and trying to get in a position that worked. It takes time to fill the bath, and she went to find a plug. I stood, leaning on the bed.    

The bathroom was dark, a yellow torch in the corner provided just enough to see. Unsteadily, I stepped into the bath, using Charlie as my crutch. 

The rest of my labour happened in the bath. After a strong start, with Melissa thinking our student midwife would miss the birth if she arrived at 8:30pm as expected, contractions slowed. I was moving between different positions, the water was topped up to keep warm, Melissa continually suggested new positions. Over and over I heard positive words 'good work', 'keep breathing', 'come on gorgeous', 'you're doing brilliantly', 'that's it!'. Charlie never moved from my side. 

Student Midwife Tanya arrived 8:30pm, there was a period of hard work followed by a final stage where instructions changed and I fought my internal fears about the spaced out contractions. Melissa drove me hard, and monitoring of baby heartbeat became more frequent. We were so happy to hear that same steady sound we knew from checkups. 

The pushes hurt, I was driven by Melissa's instructions and Charlie's encouragement. She instructed me to change positions, to push. She checked there was no impediments and said that my baby was just waiting for me, waiting for me to push: "she's right there!'. Though I hadn't planned to, I watched the mirror in the bath to see Milla's head and know what each push meant. It hurt. Charlie was behind me, talking closely in my ear. I was told to give a push for her eyes, a push her nose, another for her nose, and her chin. This was so real. 

10:14pm she's on my chest.


* This is part one of the story. It makes me so happy to reflect on, as it follows my birth plan that we had written. My wishes were respected and my intentions realised. I stayed at home for most of my labour, I took no drugs in labour, Charlie was by my side, midwives were awesome, no tough decisions had to be made and Milla came straight up to my chest for cuddles. 


Monday, July 07, 2014

Third day at home

Milla 4 days old, meeting her backyard. 
Days and nights are long. First bath at home today. We are taking lots of notes on all the happenings, cross-referencing with books. We keep the heater on, we are always getting cuddles. My rings fit back on, I'm weary. Happy and calm.

Friday, July 04, 2014

Milla

We have welcomed the one and only - Milla.

Our daughter Milla, born 1 July 2014, into water and loving arms. 
Arriving at home today was an amazing feeling, simply stepping through the front door felt like some kind of magic. We three. 

The journey from my long walk on Monday through to this sunny westside Friday afternoon has been ... again - amazing. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

40 plus five equals monitoring

Monitoring looks like this, from my perspective. It takes about 20 minutes (or 30 if they don't seem to need the bed), and may involve sipping of ice water and a midwife poking around the grub's bottom for a reaction. 
Two monitors strapped to belly, one for her heartbeat and one for my contractions. 
Afterwards, reassured, the sun shining, I walked. And walked.

Just what I like to hear. 
I walked down Grattan, feeling great, through Fitzroy, along Smith Street, feeling tired, slowing, chatted with midwife about results, reached the city again and resolved to make it to Mr Close for a hot chocolate. Made it. Then to Evelyn Faye to buy bergamot oil for my labouring but it was out of stock. On to Magnation to get Vanity Fair. Then a train home. A seven kilometre walk.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

40 plus dancing


  • Wednesday due date and Thai dinner
  • Thursday pregnancy massage (with thanks to my team for the voucher!) and two km walk to-from massage. 
  • Friday manicure, pedicure and eyelash tint (in case that's what she was waiting for). 
  • Saturday a visit to the nut shop for more supplies (they were shocked-shocked!- to see me again) more Thai

Middle Fish long lunch with chili sauces, weird service and sweet roti dessert. 
Been cooking and making in the kitchen, tried out two recipes for date energy/protein treats for Charlie, had success with a chia and pomegranate pudding (one in the freezer earmarked for hospital bag).

Last night I got worried about her lack of movement. She's never been a kicker; more of a squirmer with occasional hiccups. We monitored, she eventually complied. This afternoon Charlie pulled out his guitar and we were treated to thirty minutes of dancing from the lil grub. It was amazing.

Mountain Goats home concert

Thursday, June 26, 2014

40 weeks and counting

Not sure how I feel about the roman numerals for this update 
The due date came and went. We had another long, sometimes perplexing, but in the end reassuring appointment at the hospital yesterday. Perhaps some files were mixed up last week, who knows, but I was asked to have extra monitoring, and a check of the fluid to see that the placenta and lil one are ok. All ok. So back home until Monday for another 'post-dates' monitoring. I'm trying not to read too much about inductions lest I lose my calm.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The little one

Tiny dress, made by Ma for me
Many calls to check on us. Let's see what the 4pm midwife appointment brings.

I slept ok, my body is being good to us, or so it feels. Had perhaps final acupuncture yesterday. Was worried I might be in labour or wiped out so wasn't sure if I should plan a driver from the appointment, but I was fine, stopped and grocery shopped on the way home and then made apple and rhubarb crumble upon return. Then watched Game of Thrones and saw a demon born. Agh.


Saturday, June 21, 2014

39 weeks

That's a bump
Started getting calls... A few days to go... Started reading Birth Skills... Off to second acupuncture session. Fighting a head cold. In love. Charlie tied my shoelaces today.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Closer

Maybe it was after the acupuncture. Maybe it's just time. But it feels like a new phase. Physically and mentally different.

Gifts for her displayed in the ballroom light
It's been a long week. A long few days. At Wednesday's appointment with the Cosmos, I mentioned the little one's movements were not that obvious to me. So we got hooked up to some monitoring and had a scan. The waiting and the consultations and monitoring took the afternoon. Although the upshot was positive, it was a draining process, I was exhausted and emotionally drained.

Then there is some restructure business going on at work, terrible timing. The smart advice is to stay out and think about work sometime on 1 June 2015 when I head back from leave.

I've continued with Evening Primrose oil tablets, three per day. And just started yesterday on Raspberry Leaf tea. Does it make any difference? Would it happen anyway? It feels different now. This morning I had episodes of contractions and movement that lasted minutes and then repeated 1-2 hours later.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Sweet parade

A package addressed to Lil Stevie
I could begin a collection of posts of the gorgeous knitted things this little one has already received. 

This precious piece was crafted by a dear friend and huge talent, and addressed directly to the as yet unnamed and unseen little one. I think she'll look quite fetching in it. 

My first ever acupuncture session was slightly baffling and definitely made me feel dopey. Is that normal? 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

38 weeks and 4 days

Technically closer to 39 weeks now! 
Picked up TENS machine, was gifted a microwave, Mum gave me beautiful knitted goods (and chilis, and rhubarb!), still reading To Kill a Mockingbird, made first batch of soup and have booked in acupuncture. Gave my brother the #best t-shirt. Went to final pre-natal yoga.

And further rearranging of the ballroom nursery.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Term

Today I wore myself out.

Last night was the 'Meet the Midwife' session at the hospital. Bring a plate and gather with the other women 'due' in your month and chat with the four midwives in our Cosmos team. We were supposed to go last month but the date didn't work so instead we went in with the July crew. That meant I had the most advanced pregnancy. The message was clear: my baby is term, and I should get ready.

The reasoning is sound: I don't want a medical induction, therefore, do all I can to naturally induce labour from this point forward. Fine, but I had some plans for the next two weeks...

On the way home from the hospital we bought Evening Primrose Oil capsules. The other natural induction tips the Cosmos suggested were:

  • Swimming
  • Walking up stairs
  • Sexual intercourse
  • Spicy food and emptying bladder and bowels often
  • Clary Sage inhalation or application to pressure points
  • Acupuncture
  • Not worrying about your due date!

I took the Evening Primrose last night, with my Vegemite sandwich, and slept well, until woken at 4am by what I can now recognise as Braxton Hicks. They came in an episode, lasting until Charlie's alarm went off. It certainly made the birthing seem much closer than it had a day ago. I downloaded a contractions tracker app.

Today, though, I got up and headed into town to rally against the budget. I joined Jack and the tradies on the march and felt glad to be there. Now I need a lie down.

Beat the Budget Rally, Melbourne, 12 June
 

Saturday, June 07, 2014

37 weeks and headed to the hills

Looking and feeling large
So we missed a photo at 36 weeks. Here I am at 37 weeks plus 3 days. Still no weight gain for a month or so, but definitely girth gain! Hospital bag is now packed, and will come to the high country as we go camping this long weekend.

We got the go-ahead from the midwife on Wednesday to go camping, once she established that my mother's labours were not quick. Snow is forecast, it's our 8 year (!) anniversary and the last weekend before gates close in the high country. Excited.

Friday, June 06, 2014

Saffron in situ

First pass at arranging the new chair. I reckon this corner will make me very happy. 

New Boden armchair plus a few favourite things. 

Thursday, June 05, 2014

Yellow chair

37 weeks means term.

It's been a lovely first week of leave, and I'm grateful for the timing.

It started with a holiday feel, going to Queenscliffe on Monday to visit Priceless ladies.

On the walk to Point Lonsdale for a milkshake 
I've slept one night through, the others I have woke between 2-4am, bright and awake. I swing my big body up and out to lie on the sofa and 'research' whatever is the distraction of the minute: how to organise baby clothes? Where do co-sleeping babies take their daytime naps?

Yesterday was a Cosmos appointment and I presented our midwife with a birth plan (given as homework last appointment!). We had questions this time, and it felt like a productive session. A condition of Cosmos was agreeing to the 24-hour maximum hospital stay. I wondered what this meant in practice (somewhat from a hospital-bag-packing perspective: how many undies/pjs are required?). Midwife explained there were two check-outs, 11am and 3pm, depending on when you'd given birth. So a quick stay. The key factor was about a successful start to breastfeeding. We also found out the team is qualified to supervise a waterbirth, so that is an option for me.

After the Cosmos appointment, I walked Charlie back to work and then headed slowly up to my gym. I had a session booked with Fil to take me through a personal training session that was intended to refresh my memory of how to put together a weights session for myself. To start with I was tired but it was so good to go through a gentle session (that I can feel today!) and treat my body to some stretching. A good compliment to yoga.

The big news today was I brought home this sweet yellow chair! I saw it out the window as I cruised Brunswick a few weeks ago, and it had waited for me (and attracted a 15% discount in the meantime...).
Window display at Rodwell and Astor in Blyth Street
It's everything I wanted in a 'nursing chair'. Firm, upright, comfortable, roomy, stylish and yellow (or saffron, as they say).

Monday, June 02, 2014

Day 1 of Leave

Friday was the drawing to the end of a chapter of my life -work- that started perhaps eighteen years ago. The only other break from work I've taken was living in Lithuania January-June 2004.

I've been asked how I'm going to spend these few weeks, what things I have planned. Without much trouble I can see my time cut out for me:

  • Sleep. My slumps have been around 9am and 1pm. Balanced lately by the hour of energy sometime between 2-4am. 
  • Walking. Want to keep mobile!
  • Swimming. Everyone recommends swimming for pregnancy! I haven't done this yet but my plan is to go to Footscray or Altona to paddle in the slow lane and let the little one and my body get the weightlessness benefits. 
  • More Mama Shanti yoga. Hopefully will get in three classes. 
  • Hospital appointments. These now are every week, on Wednesday afternoons, with the Cosmos midwives. 
  • Celebrate our eight (!) year anniversary. 
And then there's the technical, or nesting, or practical stuff:
  • Pack the bag
  • Organise nappies
  • Buy a bedside light
  • Organise bottles
  • Organise breast pump
  • The big job - washing and organising all the tiny clothes, perhaps more broadly known as 'setting up nursery'. Hoping to have a mother-friend come to sit with me for this.   
The party aftermath is captured by the card spread. I love noting the themes of cards. From top left are the birds and elephants... through to baby photos... flowers and wreaths... some pop-out cards and then the bottom row are the homemade cards.  Reading through these is an incredibly warming and eventually overwhelming experience. 

Love parade



Thursday, May 29, 2014

27 days and run for the train

Bolted for the train this morning. Possibly something that will not happen again for a while? My last run was 3 weeks? 4 weeks ago? The prospect of running is now beyond me. Something to dream of doing after July. Charlie has been up early to mountain bike at the You Yangs and now there's a dream of the three of us there for run/ride in the early mornings.

Last day of work tomorrow. Still not sure how it feels. Technically, it's been a great transition, with my replacement spending quality time with the team. I'll miss my colleagues. And I might (re?)discover some interests of my own.

Yesterday we had second obstetrician appointment at the hospital; it was even quicker and stranger than the first. The Doc was a joker, we had no questions, there were no issues, we were in-n-out in minutes. He did a quick scan, which was unexpected, so good to see her again. Her heart pumping, the long curve of her spine, and best of all, confirmation that she's in a good position, head down, bum up by my left ribs.

Baby Shower and BBQ, 24 May

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Names

An exercise to narrow down our options. We each wrote our top three. I cheated. This is what we ended up with.

Shortlist

Thursday, May 22, 2014

XXXV

Hand-me-down shirt from my boss!
A week of work left, just over a month until the due date. More backyard activity, mild days, parcel deliveries and now, naps on the couch while stuff happens around me. Doctor's this week for blood and other tests, wanting to be well-stocked with iron. Forgot to mention to the GP the numbness at my solar plexus; what a weird sensation! First draft of birth plan is written, the hardest part is writing each statement in positive language. Will workshop it with midwives next week perhaps.

Mum's birthday today, last one before she becomes a grandmother. Off to the Plough to celebrate.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Contrasts

Our second formal 'class' at the hospital last night, the topic of this 4 hour (!) session was labour and childbirth. It was a contrast to our Mama Shanti session on Sunday, which at first was quite confronting. After we placed it in the context of the big hospital and their policies, we felt like it was more useful than scary. We were learning the default settings.

And of course it was useful to workshop the different stages of labour, when to come to hospital, and to consider all the pros/cons of the interventions and pain relief. And to keep perspective. I have been well, and active, and I'm not afraid.

Came home to the re-delivered crib, and more improvements on back and front of house that I have my father and brother to thank for. 

New door knocker/handle and lick of paint for front door.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Silky soft sighing breaths

Active, conscious, engaged. Yesterday Charlie and I attended a five hour workshop on preparing for active birth. The time flew, it was fascinating, inspiring and relaxing all at once. The workshop included techniques from the Thursday yoga classes that I've been trying to get to, and also included very useful discussion about how to make the most of your choice regarding hospital. We emerged feeling informed and empowered. Practice of breathing, touch and positioning. It certainly made it real that I'm in the last stages now. I need to incorporate some poses at home that will allow this little one to position favourably, as they say.

Much going on at home, Charlie paved the storage side of the shed.


Dad n Jack brought around the rain water tank that will nestle behind it. Had Pat around to photograph our fabulous bed for his portfolio.


Today my replacement starts, and I removed the personal pictures that hang by my desk. I've been bringing home a pair of shoes per day from the office collection.

Name preference: Elkie Winter
Best activity: Walking out to a warm morning
Adventure dreaming: Mount Bogong
Random worry: The classic, an emergency caesarean section
Reading: This birth story