Sick

Since finishing breastfeeding, Milla has been sick. Causation or correlation? She may also (always) be teething. Biting the couch in flamboyant fashion. Biting my leg! Sleeping long and now on antibiotics for a possibly long-standing ear infection. She's off her food and has lost weight, is lengthening out. Frozen blueberries are the only thing that can entice her.

Unable to rouse this sick baby.

We're thinking to rationalise her toys, after a considerable expansion. Get more Montessori and have a smaller range on rotation. A cardboard tag from some clothes is one of her favourite things in the box. Our books are boring us too. Her favourite is definitely a hand-me-down book on shapes.

No childcare on Thursday or Friday, too sick, Charlie stayed home and I was able to go for a long run Friday morning, getting good distance notched up - 16kms doing a great loop up and under the West Gate to see a really good view from Stoney Creek Reserve then back along to Point Gellibrand, the beach and home.

Post-wedding

We have some rituals that will pass. Sheep in the letterbox. Goodnight to donkey on shelf. Looking for clock. Now looking for the moon.

We are hearing a sweet sound of 'baa baa' being sung these days. And a swivel of the torso, a little dance? I wonder if they dance at childcare.

Milla's first sleepover and everyone slept in, us at one house, Milla at another. We all woke at 7am on the winter solstice. A very frosty morning, birdbath iced.

Flowergirl and brother of bride. 

The past nine days have had Charlie listed as preferred parent #1. Since he returned from last work trip. Maybe since breastfeeding stopped. Completely.

23/52

This kid. Drinking from her tiny class cup. Eating meals all by herself. Getting tired and touching the bin to get my attention. Hugging me intensely. With her quiet peaky face in the Ergo after childcare. With a wet fringe in the winter rain, no hat. Sounding like she's saying 'duck' as we read 'I Went Walking'.

Wild child shredding herbs. 

No new rhythm yet, Charlie away for work this week so solo working parent. Picking Milla up from care is great and horrid all at once. Dropping her off is just horrid. Going for a long run and shopping in my 'free time' is lovely.

Less anxious these days about her naps. Still giving that final tiny breastfeed in the mornings. She crawls outside and shreds my basil and feeds herself dirt.  

Crawling

Milla crawled yesterday. She has been doing some downward dog style poses and lots of pivoting. Yesterday after an epic grocery walk, I unpacked her and the groceries and working in the kitchen while she played in the hall on the carpet. Fifteen minutes playing with a packet of chewing gum. Then she crawled towards me.

When Charlie got home she did he customary shrieks, actually holding her breath with excitement. He knelt to her and put his wallet with keys down and she crawled forward to it. Yays! Milla has been so into standing lately that we'd thought she might not crawl, just go straight to upright.

Yesterday we also dropped the 5pm breastfeed. I realised it's been months since I breastfed in public. Now it's just morning and evening, in Milla's dark room.

At State Library for Baby Bounce session.

Seven Months

Milla at seven months.

Wild Child

Milla. Tries to peak at the next page of the book. Giggles hysterically at Charlie's peak-a-boo. Can glug from her sipper cup: loves loves loves drinking water. Sits. Tries to crawl. Is still swaddled, though I'm trying to break it. Feeds from the boob so well. Chats "ne ne ne ne" and "da da da da". Can sit outside by herself for ages and watch ants and butterflies and listen to motorcycles. Occasionally will fall asleep in our arms, particularly in the evening when Charlie watches mountain biking vids on YouTube...  Can feed herself toast fingers and big chunks of dried fruit. Always loves yoghurt. Is amazed by clapping, baffled by my dancing. Wants to play with the back door chain. Very strong tummy muscles and will stay in a v-sit-up for ages. Cries getting nappy changed when tired.

Love love love this kid.

Routines and meals

Well it must be three weeks of the new routine, one dropped breastfeed and a big move towards food. Yesterday I almost forgot to include a breastfeed at lunch, so I think that will be the next to go. Physically, it's not been too tricky for me to do the 9-hours overnight and then 6-hours from sleepy feed to lunchtime.

Milla suddenly started eating a whole lot more food, I go scrambling in the fridge as she finishes apple porridge, then avocado, then yoghurt. Loves yoghurt. She's now had two Charlie-cooked meals with meat: chicken and peach, lamb and carrot. Meat takes her wayyyy longer to eat, she uses those gums to chew chew chew.

Hot and thirsty work, eating baby bolognese. 

Growing lots of hair. Can recognise me in a photo in the hallway. Pulls back the blanket in the backyard to grab handfuls of grass. Can hold a v-situp for ages. Getting very good at stepping. I'm going to miss the breastfeeding cuddle.

Crying and Crawling

Hard night. Milla took two short naps during the day, one in the stroller. And then at bedtime, howled when I put her down. Howled. Hysterically. Panting and screeching with out-of-control upset. We had agreed she wouldn't get a boob. We consulted Baby Love and read about... 'controlled crying' and the method of returning to Milla with reassurance and then leaving again. I got up three times. I sat her up and she took big gulps of cold water from her sip cup. She was wet with sweat from the exertion of crying. Ninety minutes. We all fell asleep. Slept in.

Clean baby, after her bath. 

Started a new routine based on the changes to her feeding and sleeping. Dropping one boob feed. No sleep ins. More water, more solids. So the idea is to start each day around 6am with a quiet feed in her room, returning Milla to bed immediately. Then a solid grown up breakfast at 10am. A lunch of real food and boob at 1pm, and her usual dinner extravaganza at 5pm with boob, solids and a half formula bottle. She tried yoghurt today for the first time - first dairy food.

A few of my favourite things.

While I was out riding yesterday, Charlie witnessed the first crawling forward motion! Eep!

Doughnuts and Avocado

Feeding is exciting. Milla's faces and watching her understanding grow. It's really delightful. And I just started to feel nostalgic about breastfeeding. No sooner does it start to feel right, than it's the beginning of the end. It was so hard, miserable, painful and frustrating. So loaded. And now it's warm and easy and lovely.

Feeding herself strawberry. 

Milla is still quite round, with doughnuts threaded up her thighs. But her limbs are getting longer. She feels damn heavy to pick up. I still get asked 'how old is he?' by idiots in the street.

After a feed at the Big Design Market, out the back.

Charlie and I looked through family albums and to our surprise, Milla looks more like me as a babe, but she looks more like Charlie in daily life. It's weird.

Trying avocado for the first time.

Four months

We went to the nurse yesterday for Milla's 'four month checkup'. These appointments were at least weekly when she first arrived, and we'd be a little nervous as she wasn't putting weight on quickly. Now it's something to look forward to - and the measurements yesterday confirmed she is well and thriving. Statistically, she is short and fat with a big head. Ha!

Milla weighed almost double her birth weight - so, 6.3kg yesterday. She's grown about 300 grams a week the past 5 weeks and is 3 centimetres longer. She gets a feed upon waking, usually about 6am, then around 10am, 2pm and supplemented feeds at 5:30pm and 8:30pm.

Milla at four months.

The nurse said that we could start feeding her some food now, which I was really excited about. She's had some licks of food and sits with us when we eat quite often, so it will be quite natural to give her a piece of sweet potato of her very own.

Morning by the Lake

Somehow Milla slept through until 7am, breaking the camping habit of 3am feed. So we got up and sat in the morning sun, listening to chorus of birds and watching trees shimmer in breeze. All the other tents in campground were quiet.

Honeysuckle and Murrumbidgee

Charlie got his climb, and Milla and I were witness, as we joined him on the 2k approach. We took the Mountain Buggy on the track, Milla howling as it was her feed time. Charlie and I trotted, then ran, looking for the boulder.

Afterwards, to camp. We were the only ones at Honeysuckle, apart from the herds of roos and wallabies. It became clear that we pitched at a popular eating spot, and during the early hours we heard aggressive barking all around our tent.

Dinner was gnocchi with sauce prepared at Mt Vic, we ate in shifts as I double fed Milla,  feeling tired and hoping for an early night. A gamble, as feeding early likely means rising early.

Bundled into her bassinet, Milla went to sleep as I spotted a long tailed shooting star. We crept to bed at 8:30 perhaps. It was very cold, lovely to be snuggled down. Milla woke us at 2:52 and I got up and fed and changed her in Sooty. Happily, she went back to sleep and then it was a chorus of barks and birdsong that got us up a couple of hours later.

After breakfast, I had a short ride, and Charlie packed. On to Jindabyne. A short cut became a dead end as a huge river crossing appeared foolish. Exciting times as Charlie took a dip and I looked on. Along the way we considered our next move. Would we still try for Kosciusko? Where would we camp our final night? We stopped again by the Murrumbidgee River and I fed Milla, I reckon this is where she got her first sunburn. Guilty mum.

Apollo

Apollo flies, and we land out near Canberra.

Honeysuckle campsite chosen for proximity to a bouldering area. Maybe I can get a ride in too.

We left the Blue Mountains, another beautiful morning, packing up the house, feeding Milla at 4:30 and 7am. Cheerful and round looking kid. Head towards Goulburn.

I make sure to look up bakeries, not wanting a repeat of the disappointing pasty of Singleton. Luckily Goulburn has a few, and the big merino is right next to a winning bakery.

A feed for the family, a well-timed nappy 'splosion, goofy photos at the merino and then along dry Lake George to the crapital. Sunny and brisk, typical weather.

Blue Mountains

Long hard day. The first tough times in a while.

We left Newcastle already tired, and though excited to be on the road together, maybe we were a little sad to farewell our fab hosts.

Back to navigating, with tired brain, not sure when Milla started. It was awful, an hysterical howling that wouldn't cease and defied our theories. We were trying for Newnes camp, in the Wolgan.

After dark, many content wombats spotted, we reached camp, exhausted. I feed. Charlie does everything else. We creep around, get into tent. Milla wakes us at 4:19 and won't settle. Feed with bottle.

Clear night and brilliant moon, I get up around 6:30 and feed, so tired, in a very beautiful place.

Newcastle: first flight

The flight was uneventful: what everyone wants. Milla and I were at the back of the plane with the row to ourselves.

Nursing at take off and landing worked a treat, and then Milla gazed around happily for the middle thirty minutes. The only thing that stopped her in her tracks was the pilot's announcement.

Charlie picked us up from the airport in the warm sunshine and we headed to town.

Grand camp

Milla's first ride in Sooty. She woke up late, and grinning, too busy smiling to feed this morning. Funny kid. Lots of bustling around packing the car, bike, stroller, tents, what have we forgotten?

Headed back to Sheepyard for another night. Sunshine forecast.

Getting sleepy.

Stroking circles

When she's feeding on the left, her right hand goes around and around in a big clockwise arc. Tracing, stroking. Her cheek, my breast. Her ear, my chest. If my hand is there, it gets stroked too.

Waking up,  ready to eat. 

First Camp

Camping with nine week old Milla. Happy Father's Day. 

After a feed, Howqua River behind. 

I have certainly spent a lot of time on forums and searching for tips about living an outdoors adventure life with a little one. Now I have my own story.

It's a happy story.

Fair to say there's been significant build up to this event. The question of how to continue our outdoor adwentures was present before I got pregnant and as I became less able during pregnancy, it was more pressing.

A colleague told me a tale about caravan camping with a four month old this Easter. The little one got cold and woke, and was fed to resettle. Months later her sleeping was not recovered and she still woke to feed throughout the night.

So Milla was dressed warmly. She was very cosy, our tent had ice on it and was about 5 degrees inside. But she was warm as pie.

We camped at a familiar spot, in Sheepyard Flat by the Howqua River. A four hour drive, the last 30 minutes on rough corrugations. We camped by the river to provide white noise for Milla and maybe a wall of sound for neighbours.

We were joined by Charlie's parents who brought with them a nifty little caravan with an annex. Having their company meant we didn't need to worry about making dinner during the witching hour.

After an Ergo walk, where we followed a very calm wombat along the river, we ate dinner, Milla had an epic feed and then we placed into her little bassinet - a familiar sleeping spot from home. She was layered in merino leggings, vest and gown and then in a silk sheet for a swaddle and a custom made sleeping bag and the Icelandic wool blanket she sleeps with every night.

She looks so sweet and so cosy with a tiny little cheeks poking out from the layers. We placed the bassinet on a foam mattress in the tent by our Thermarests and she went to sleep at about 9:30pm, a little earlier than normal time. 

Being unwrapped in the morning. 

We went to bed, both stayed in our clothes, secretly fearing we'd be up and down through the night. I was anxious. At 3:45am she woke up. I was ecstatic. I declared the trip a success. Charlie quickly warmed a bottle for her as I gave her a breast to keep quiet. We resettled her and were back asleep at 5am. We then got up around 6:30am. It was just like camping. I took a walk along the river with Milla in Ergo and Charlie went mountain biking. We watched birds, took photos, had cups of tea. 

Misty morning, ducks on the Howqua.

Lessons learnt? Recommendations? 

• Have a nappy bag ready to go, rather than sorting through the duffle for the changing set up. 
• Have a thermos for the midnight bottle. 
• Don't forget the swaddle blanket (yikes, that was a panicked moment). 
• Ensure there is down time from the stimulation of the new environment. 
• Have a pre-made dinner.
• Undress so I could be comfortable when trying to sleep! 

Things we might have done right? 

• Went somewhere familiar, and spacious, where it was easy to go for a walk away from other people.
• Went when the weather was great, no rain or wind. 
• Kept Milla warm. 
• Tried out all the clothes on Milla before the trip. 
• Had Milla sleep in her familiar bassinet. 
• Didn't try to breastfeed in the tent (I always feed in a chair).  
• Had activities for us so we felt like we got away. 
• Went with people! Who could hold Milla, help us out with meals, etc. 

Night smiles

Smiling while she's feeding.

The last few nights we've changed the routine. Charlie and I have gone to bed early and I've got up to feed Milla when she's woken. Before I would stay up between the 6pm and 10pm feeds, heading to bed a couple of hours after Charlie. This way we get to go to bed together.

Milla is so sweet during the night feeds, cheerful when I collect her from the crib, wanting to play when we finish and tonight, smiling as she sucked, the edges of her mouth turning up and her big eyes crinkling. Something I'll not be able to ever capture on film.

Smiling after feeding in the Ballroom.

Feeding

It's a mad business.

Breastfeeding. And the stakes are high. Not as simple as wanting Milla to thrive. It's about every aspect of daily life and family relationships and physicality.

Maybe there's nothing wrong. I have blisters and a scab. But not much pain when she feeds. It burns afterwards. So. Is that life? Or is there a problem?

One dear friend suggests not enough supply. Try to relax.

Another, thrush. Get medication and air boobs.

The maternal health nurse says attachment looks fine, treat for thrush anyway.

The chemist says breastfeeding hurts and to take Panadol and suck it up.

I'll breastfeed every four hours, both sides, for 20-30 minutes with minimal discomfort. Then a half serve of formula. And I'll take probiotics and air boobs and rinse with bicarb.

And Milla will continue to be cheerful and eat whatever I put in front of her.

After feeding today. Ha. Cutie. 

6 Weeks

Rediscovering Tumblr, finding photographic inspiration. Camera should arrive from Hong Kong any moment. Will be going to an exhibition opening tomorrow and the Substation Contemporary Art Prize on Friday, so will be freshly inspired, I expect.

Beautiful quilt made for Milla with fabrics from Maningrida. 

Trying to move to four-hourly feeding, and have taken to pumping and occasional formula while my damaged nipples get a break. Milla is still sleeping very well overnight but has had some 'velcro baby' sessions where she grizzles and howls and just wants to be held. 

• Highlight: weighing in at 3950 on her 6 week anniversary
• Learning: the physical challenges of breastfeeding
• Sleeping: in the Ballroom for the first time - crib finally out of our room (only during day, though, so far)
• Visit: first house party and visit to a Brunswick bar
• Activity: pumping, wah.